Don't cry, I'm still alive
by Screams-in-Public
Summary: It hurts to look at him, it hurts more not to.  Rin/Shiemi


_And he was born in a bottle rocket, 1929 _

_With wings that ring around a socket _

_Right between his spine _

_And when his spirit left his body _

_How it split the sun _

_I know that he will live forever _

_All goes on and on_

There are so many things you have to learn. About the world and your friends and demons and monsters' and giant gates to hell and yourself in a life that doesn't feel like nearly enough time to learn them in.

You have to learn about things you don't even want to know about; like how to put someone to sleep after they've been hurt so badly there is no return, or how to kill a demon with your two bare hands or how to defend yourself from someone who's possessed.

You don't want to learn that stuff. You never have, you never will.

You don't want to learn how messed up everything is even though its supposed to be okay now that the gate is closed and Yukios back to normal and your friends are all alive.

You never will, you never have.

You notice things to now. You notice how, despite the fact that everyone is alive, all the people seem so tired. And so, so dark. You notice how Izumo sometimes cries when she thinks no one can hear or see her. You notice Yukio sometimes staring at the sky, his hand clutching his right arm and his fingers shaking. You notice Konekumaru staying up late at night, pouring over the pages of the bible over and over again, the words just barely ghosting from his lips and into the air. You notice Shima sitting out alone, his head pressed against his knees and his arms hanging limply at his sides while he prays. You notice Bon noticing.

You see Bon staring at everyone; his eyes narrowed and defensive with just the tiniest bit of sadness peeking out of them. He stares at Izumo after she's done crying, he stares at Yukio when he's done pleading to the sky, he stares at Shima after he's done praying to a God that your not sure exists anymore, he stares at Konekumaru after he's done trying to build up his faith.

You wonder if he's judging them too.

You know you have no reason to be judging them. You of all people you should be judging yourself. But you just can't help but feel a little twinge of bitterness on your stomach when you see them privately breaking down when they are supposed to be strong.

You just can't help it.

You remember a time when you judged no one and the only real thing you wanted was Izumo to accept you and to help everyone and you could go outside without being afraid of being snatched up by some demon and you still had Nii and Yukio was your biggest hero and not some shell of a person. You remember warm days _-not cold ones- _and blue skies _-not grey ones- _and green grass _-not brown and streaked with blood- _and happy people -_not people living in fear-. _You remember those days and then feel like screaming when you wake up every morning to a war zone.

It's just not fair.

You hate being 16. You want to go back to being 15 and hiding in your grandmother's garden and your only worries were if it was going to rain or not because you don't want to over water the daisies. You wish you could take your 15 year old self and make her go and cover the grape trellis so your grandmothers wouldn't have been crushed. You wish that you could tell your 15 year old self not to talk to the demon in the garden. You wish you could tell your 15 year old self not to be so stupid and believe in magical gardens because they don't exist and even if they did you are never going to get there.

And then when you think about all of this, you realize if your 15 year old self had never talked to the demon, you would have never met Yukio or Rin. You would have never gone to the cram school and begun training as an exorcist and met some of your best friends.

You don't know if this fact makes you happy or disgusted.

Your mind constantly roves over all of your friends. They are each turned over and cradled in your brain and being.

_Izumo, Shima, Konekomaru, Yukio, Bon._

They blur into your mind and and you feel your judgments' being swirled into the mix. _..._

Your thoughts just blur together faster and faster and faster. _._

_Rin._

He crashes into your mind and he crashes into your body too.

He is the worst and best thing that has ever happened to you. He is the first thing you think about then you wake up and the last thing you think about when you go to sleep. He reminds you of a dog that's been beaten so much it's finally put its ears down and has started to bite back.

It hurts to look at him. It hurts more not to.

You look at him and all you see is red and blue and fangs and claws and black. You see nothing in his eyes; he blocks everyone out when they look. You can't get over how hard he is around everyone else but how vulnerable he is behind closed doors.

You can feel him breaking underneath your fingers and lips the second you shut the door and all you can feel is heat and the overwhelming desire to protect him and hold him and show him how much you love him. You look at his face, his soft, pale face and you trace your patterns over his closed eyelids and write poems over his lips. When you turn over and look at him with his half closed eyes and heaving chest and burning body all tangled up in the blankets all you want to do is tell him how beautiful you think he is. You want to kiss him over and over again and repeat your feelings in his ears until that's the only thing he hears for the rest of his life.

You wake up in the morning with one of his arms slung over your side and his tail curled around your legs and his breath fogging over your neck and at that moment, everything is perfect and okay because Rin is here and he's so beautiful and you feel beautiful too and your friends aren't hollow clones of themselves and the world isn't messed up past the point of no return and Satan isn't coming to take him away from you.

And you know Satan is coming soon.

Gehenna is going to need a king sooner or later, and you know there is no way that the Gate will ever be destroyed and your beautiful boy is going to be ripped away to a world where he's never coming back from.

And sometimes, just sometimes you wish that Yukio and Rin would trade places.

You hate that thought, and you hate yourself for even conjuring it because it makes you feel dirtier than you already are. You feel sick and angry and you hate yourself because you now that you love Yukio too, but its just not the same as it was when you two were young and 14 and slipping your hands into eachothers grips and blushing at everything and being in love with everything that you two saw.

You know he loves Rin more than he loves loved you. You know he loves Rin and Rin loves him and they can't keep away from each other so why would they even try? They are brothers, and they are family, and they have something you can never have a part of.

Because sometimes, just sometimes you see the way they look at each other and you are almost blown back by the affection they hold for each other. It's an emotion you have only felt with your Grandmother. And that was so, so long ago.

You are jealous.

You have no reason to be, but you are. You are jealous because the son of Satan sometimes kneads his head against his brothers back when he senses that he's upset. You are jealous when they talk to each other, soft and low in tones no one else can hear about the past, the present and the future. You are jealous when Yukio calms Rin down after he's gotten too angry.

You are so jealous and it eats at you.

Because all you want to do is take your blue boy and tuck him against you and just hide him away in a safe place where he doesn't have to look at the sky and be blown into a million pieces, and he doesn't have to look at his brother and understand what Yukio really wants.

Because you know he knows.

And you do to.

You know that his brothers true feelings rip him into shreds and make him so angry he comes roaring and you and you have to coax and calm him down with touches and soft words until he's not snarling, he's sobbing.

Because he knows the truth and you can never keep anything away from a demon.

Ever.

And he's finally done snarling and biting and growling and he's shoved against you and has wrapped his arms around your waist and pulled you so close and he's talking into your skin and you murmur soft words to him and trace your fingers over his ears and rub them and you can feel his body vibrate in a purr and you can feel the press of a fang against your skin and your heart soars at the fact that you can still make Rin Okumura smile.

Because in this world-

_._

_Rin._

_-it's all you need. _


End file.
